Normally, my blog posts are about healing our energies, but today I wanted to write something different. I wanted to share a bit of my experience about my journey with my body. I've shared a lot about my healing journey on YouTube, blogs, and my Patreon, where I touch upon my weight as it is a significant part of my self-love journey. But today, I want to share one of my experiences about how important it is how we see ourselves. I know this is about weight, but it applies to everything in our lives. The story we tell ourselves is what we play out, but once you realize that this story is written by us, we can change it.
I've read and watched so many exercise videos on how to lose weight for most of my adult life. I think I've been on every diet there was for most of my life, and nothing really worked. The one thing most of them have in common is that the people teaching and guiding never really had a weight problem. Don’t get me wrong, they deserve admiration for maintaining a healthy weight, but when they haven’t truly experienced the prolonged mindset of hating yourself, it can be hard to relate.
The truth was, for me, I never knew I was fat until I was fat. To someone who has never had an issue with their weight, they might not understand what I mean when I say this. But it’s true. I never saw the pounds creeping up until it was rolls, and hey presto, I was a fatty.
I would say I've been fat, then slim, then skinny, then fat again. I would say as a child I was tubby, the same as my teen years, but I was so active that I never worried about what I ate or really how I looked until later. That's when I started to get fat.
There appears to be a bit of a stigma around what constitutes being fat. For me, I've been a U.K. size 16-20 for most of my adult life, except for a year that I will share with you. For my size, frame, and height, this is bigger than I should be for my health. At my smallest, I was a size 8. I know, right? It was crazy! It was a brief experience, but when I look back, I now think I actually looked ill, even though my BMI was perfectly healthy. Nevertheless, I was the fat girl inside just waiting to emerge.
As an energy healer, I’m learning so much more about what our bodies can do on an energetic level and how they react. Everything is energy after all. It really all comes down to what we believe about ourselves, and this goes for everything in our lives. Our beliefs are formed from our mindset and how we feel. So, if you think you're fat and you feel fat inside, you’ll always be fat no matter how much exercise and dieting you do.
I have tried everything over the decades, and there was a brief moment in my early twenties when I went really skinny. I was exercising and hardly eating because I got so obsessed with being skinny once I was there that I became terrified I would be fat again, which actually made me ill after a while. Even though I was really tiny and I had never been this small in my life, I still saw a fat person. I remember at the time still feeling fat, but my clothes seemed not to want to stay on my body when I moved. I had many experiences when my trousers and even pants would start sliding down while walking. There were many awkward maneuvers I had to do while walking down the street to make sure my pants and trousers would stay up. I thought it was the clothes being too cheap and worn for the reasons they didn’t fit for months.
At the time, I mainly wore leggings, so they kind of mould to your body no matter your size. So, I didn’t really know I was losing weight. To me, I was still fat. It was only when one of my friends made me go clothes shopping (something I hated to do as being fat, there is normally nothing that would fit or was in my size, so I avoid it like the plague).
Straight away I went to pick up my normal size of 18. My friend looked at me smirking and told me to get a much smaller size. I just laughed in her face, what would she know! My friend was naturally small and slim, who never had a weight problem. But she was right! She made me go and try on my normal size, which I hated and really did fight her on. I never tried on clothes. Who does that? If they didn’t fit, I would just keep them or give them to charity. I hated the thought of the embarrassment of being in the changing rooms only to put on an item of clothing that wouldn’t fit, let alone having to ask someone for a bigger size. Yuck! I just wouldn’t do it to myself. My friend, on the other hand, was fine about going in the changing rooms. So she had to drag me kicking and screaming. I was like a child.
I ventured in. Bloody long massive mirror looking at me and me having no choice but to stare into the abyss of it. There she was, the fatty looking back at me. Why are you doing in here? Shouldn’t you be in a dark cave somewhere eating cakes and pizza? On a side note, when I was at my biggest and depressed, I got a birthday card from Pizza Hut. A nice touch but also it was a wake-up call that they knew me too well because of my weekly visits for a family-size pizza and sides all for myself, and I’m ashamed to admit it, but I would eat that in one sitting no problem! Anyway, back to the horrid dressing room. Why is the lighting always so bright in them! It highlights everything, so you feel even more shit about yourself. Does not make me want to buy anything. They should have dim lighting and a dark corner for people such as myself that want to be in and out, with no mirrors.
I looked down at these jeans I picked up. My normal size of 18 as my friend refused me trying on any more leggings. She said she had enough of them on me. Really bossy friend this one on this day, which actually was unlike her. Anyway, I took a deep breath and then put them on. They fell off. I picked them up again. They fell off again. I was so confused. I had no idea what the hell was going on. So, I picked them up again and then decided I had to face the dreaded mirror, so I did and I looked in the mirror. It was true they didn’t fit! They were too big. I couldn’t believe it. These jeans, jeans of all things were too big! I just couldn’t understand it. It didn’t compute in my mind. They were too big for me! Too big for me! I still saw the fat person in the mirror but these jeans must be wrong. So, I inspected them. They must be the wrong size! Ah, I know, they are a one-off where there’s been a mistake by the manufacturer. I did hear this could happen. Also, maybe the size thingy is wrong I thought as I knew different sizes in different shops were a thing. I thought about everything else but the fact that I was just not that size anymore. It just didn’t compute. I had to be this size. I’ve been this size for so long that there just had to be a mistake!
While still in my mist of confusion, I heard my friend call over from the next cubicle - ‘are you ok?’ She must have heard all the huffing and puffing coming from over the cubicle from my confusion. My brain was in meltdown over trying to figure out what was so wrong with these jeans.
I was still puzzled but I remember saying reluctantly - ‘they don’t fit! I think there’s something wrong with these jeans.’ I heard a giggle from her and she shouted out ‘see I told you, I will get you a smaller size.’ I was puzzled when she said the words I need a smaller size. She must be having a laugh. It was clearly something wrong with these jeans but as she kept insisting I try a smaller size I thought, why not. At least I could prove her wrong and stop her going on at me or at least I can prove that I’m still fat. However, I was glad she offered to get me another instead of me having to ask someone else. I think she knew I wouldn’t have asked and I was in two minds to give up and leave the store already but she was bossy today and I had a feeling she was not going to let me walk out that easily.
Moments later, she came back and gave me another size. I didn’t think to check what size as I thought it was just the size down. I was nervous trying a smaller size and I kind of wanted to get it over and done with. Maybe once I prove I’m still fat then we might go and have some cake or something to soften the pain inside.
But then another thought popped into my mind, maybe she was right and I started to convince myself that maybe I had lost a bit of weight. I had been moving a lot more and eating a bit less. In fact, I had been enjoying life over the past few months and was busy most days doing something and being active. I went to the gym in-between lectures because as I had a couple of hours to kill most days and I had started to enjoy it as I went with other people. It didn’t feel like a workout. So, I did it. I put this new size on and they fit perfectly. In that moment, I was so happy that I had dropped a dress size. She was right. She asked for me to show her and I opened the curtain to reveal these new jeans. ‘See I told you, you had lost weight.’ This was true she had been telling me for months. But I had got used to either hearing people say that either out of pity when it wasn’t true or out of trying to be nice so over the years I learnt to ignore and shrug off the comments whether they were true or not.
I had to give her some credit - ‘I know you did, I can’t believe I’m a size 16 now.’ I was actually enjoying looking in the mirror now with these new jeans on. They did fit well and I started to see the jeans looking good on me. I couldn’t believe I even felt this way about a pair of jeans. I hated jeans before. They were always so tight and uncomfortable.
My friend laughed in response, which puzzled me. ‘What?’
‘They're not a size 16, they're a size 10.’
I just remember being in shock. I didn’t believe her and then I checked the tag. She was right. These jeans that fit me were a size 10! WTF! I fell to the floor and cried right there in the cubicle of the clothes store dressing room. I was so overwhelmed and in shock by this. It really hit me hard. How could I not see it?
I spent a year or so at size 8-10 but inside I was still fat. My life changed because I had to get a job and face the real world so, my lifestyle changed along with it. It didn’t take long before I was back up to size 16/18. Where it’s only now I know that this size is my comfortable. It’s what I know and how I truly see myself inside. I really have no idea when it happened or how it happened because to me I was never skinny in my mind so I was always fat. I just didn’t know it.
I’ve come to realize that being fat is a state of mind. No matter what I did it wouldn’t change for the long haul because I saw myself as fat. The pounds do creep up on you and when you're not aware of how you're feeling inside about yourself then you just go back to the norm. Thus, how could I see myself as anything else other than fat? The thought of me being skinny had never crossed my mind.
In order to bring back balance in our bodies we need to understand how we see ourselves. Why do we see ourselves this way? In my energy work I have found that with clients and working on myself that fat in certain places is linked to needing to protect ourselves and feelings of self-worth. Of course, we do need to move our bodies and eat what our bodies need. But I now don’t believe we have to restrict or punish ourselves in the process. All dieting has actually done to me over the years is make me fatter, confused and hate myself and my body.
We first must understand how we see ourselves and then unlock the truth before we find a healthy way to eat and exercise. When I look back on my skinny days it was because I was having fun that I lost a lot of weight. I was happy and enjoying life. But for me, it was just a break in a moment of time because I was still the fat girl on the inside. It’s this mindset that I’m working on unlocking while listening to my body. Yes, it takes time but I have been losing weight the right way for me and this time I know it will stay off. The right way of exercising and eating for me might not be the right way for you. We all must find our natural rhythm in our bodies so we are in balance with who we are.
If you too struggle with your weight and how you see yourself, please know you are not alone in this. But I’m here to tell you that you can heal this. Your healthy might not be skinny, your healthy might be slim or with a little bit of fat. Having some fat is healthy despite what we have been told. Finding your healthy weight is a part of your journey to self-love and care. Isn’t it time for you to unlock who you really are?
So, know that I understand my own mindset of being fat to stay fat. I know I can change this to be healthy. Not skinny. But healthy by setting my mindset differently and unlocking my blockages from my past programming and conditioning to rewrite my story and you can do it too.
I’m planning on putting together some workshops where a small group of us can unlock how we see ourselves, in order to rewrite our own story. If you would be interested in this then please do reach out or if you would like some 1-2-1 where I can look into your energies with you.
I’m also working on putting together an online course that can be done in your own time where I provide all the tools to unlock this mindset. If you’d like to know more about this then please do sign up to my email list where I send out monthly updates on various things.
If you’ve made it this far then I thank you. Be kind to yourself and learn to love your body because you deserve it, your worthy of love. 🥰
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